How can I pull myself away from you?

How can I pull myself away from you? I think about this every waking moment now. I'm almost at the point of no return. I feel as though I'm a junkie...you're an addiction.

When I'm with you, it seems that the world stands still, nothing else matters. I see nothing but your face, your smile, your gaze. I hear nothing but the sound of your voice. The way you talk, the way you laugh, the way you call me by my first name that no one else dare say. I can smell your perfume even while I sleep. I know this because I seldom remember my dreams nowadays. But with you, it is there. Every twist and turn, every detail I can recall. It's like I'm being haunted by your mere presence. You are an enchantress and I have fallen under your spell.

You've found the weakness in my armor. I'm afraid that you now have that weakness in your hands. My heart. You are holding it so tightly it suffocates me and just as I near the point of sure death, you somehow manage to loosen your grip. But as I shy away, you manage to pull me back. You confuse me. It is like playing with fire in a cold winter night...I get too close, I am scorched but if I stray too far, I will surely die. I'm in a situation that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...

It's time...I must start now before I cross the point of no return...I can still do this...I know I can...I know I must!

I can't lose my self anymore...happy, yes....but for how long?

I never thought that love could be this complicated. Love is like a stray bullet. It has no target, it has no purpose, it simply is. It will hit anyone lucky enough to be in it's path, and when it hits, it hits hard. I've learned this the hard way.

Just like what Edward said to Bella. "You're like a drug to me. My own personal heroin." I guess that's how it is. Everyday I'm drawn to her, no matter how hard I try to pull myself away, it seems like I'm in quicksand. The harder I try, the deeper I sink.

I'm simply happy when I'm with her. I enjoy life more. Everything seems to have more color, more life...more meaning. There was even a time when I told her upfront, "At the moment, you're the best thing that has happened to me. I dunno why but I'm different when I'm with you. You bring out the best and worse in me. Yet you understand it all."

But there's a catch to all of this. What seems like a happy ending would actually become the opposite in the near future. I know this for a fact but still, I rush head on. I've let my emotion become the captain of me. Logic and reasoning was simply brushed away. All the emotion that I have kept bottled up inside all these years finally came rushing out. Like an unstoppable juggernaut, it simply cannot be stopped and controlled...for now. I was torn apart by a previous relationship. Almost left for dead, emotionally that is. This has prevented me from ever loving again, until now.

I'm not sure what this is but we simply make time to be together...in the office even where there are a lot of prying eyes that are quick to judge her. I'm afraid that I'm in this so called "pseudo-relationship". Two people that are more than friends, but not considered to be dating. It is when you do things most couples do, yet, you have no strings attached, no commitments, nothing, just your togetherness and friendship.

I'm starting to lose myself, I'm sinking...drowning even. I know that I will eventually be on the losing end but still, I continue to put myself at risk...I could never have the commitment that I long for because she is already committed to someone else.

I can't afford to lose myself again. I can't afford to be hurt that way again. I must control my emotion...my love...myself...while there's still time.....